At Home With The Bakers
This is a joke, but I thought it was hilarious...
AT HOME WITH THE BAKERS
MTV UK have previewed a forthcoming attraction in its new autumn lineup - a reality sitcom called The Bakers. Inspired by the hit series The Osbournes, it follows the daily lives of Tom and Colin and their clan as they move to a new Knightsbridge mansion, where they oversee the ups and downs of their respective theatrical, local newspaper journalism and voice-over careers.
Said MTV spokesperson Sophie T. Billyfluff, "We are delighted to have the Bakers as part of our new lineup. After Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne's success as TV stars, we set out to find another duo of eccentric Brits, whose attempts to get through the mundane reality of daily life, despite their addled and unique perspectives, lead to all manner of colourful and entertaining situations. Tom and Colin are recognised the world over. Well, one of them is anyway."
Tachyon TV is proud to reveal some exclusive transcripts from the new series...
Tom is in the study as his wife sorts through paperwork)
TOM
Ahhhh......now, where's my filofax, I swear I'd put it down here a moment ago. A vast, bulging thing, swathed in black fake-leather, like the wobbly a*** of an ageing and obese prostitute, squatting there vying for my potential entry.
TOM'S WIFE
It's there. Right there, in front of you. On your lap.
TOM
Ahhhhh, so it is, so it is! Yes, so very perceptive of you! Yes, I WAS actually aware of its location mere centimetres away from my quivering digits, but it allowed one the opportunity to orate in a crude and jocular manner, and as you know I do like to-
TOM'S WIFE
Oh f*** off you boring f****r and stick the kettle on.
TOM
Right-o.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Colin and his wife are in the kitchen as their daughter appears, ready for a night out)
DAUGHTER
Da-aaa-d, I just want money for a taxi to Helen's party, that's all.
COLIN
A taxi? A taxi? A TAXI? Listen my girl and listen well. I wrote a column not two weeks ago for the Barnsworth Echo about the atrocious overcharging of taxi drivers in the vicinity and I'll be damned, damned, if I'll allow you to wander with all the naivety of youth into their greedy, manipulative clutches!
DAUGHTER
Oh f*** off dad.
COLIN
Manners my dear, it's 'Go forth and multiply'!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Colin is at his desk in the living room, typing away)
NANNY
Mr. Baker, it's the phone for you.
COLIN
If it's the Nuneaton Chronicle, tell them it's in the post. If it's the Leyland and Euxton Courier, tell them I'm on schedule. And if it's the Northcastle Hippodrome, direct them to my agent and tell them I'd like to play Buttons.
NANNY
It's some bloke from the Doctor Who fan club, wants you to do a convention in Barnsely tomorrow aft-
COLIN
GIVE ME THAT PHONE!!!
(lunges chaotically and accidentally crashes through a plate glass window)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Tom and Colin are in the living room, TV switched on)
TOM
....so it was Stephen Fry, Brian Sewell, Gore Vidal and myself, and just as I opened my ninth bottle of red, some f***ing c*** of a man in a multi-coloured scarf comes groveling up to me and says -
COLIN
Oh, balls and damnation! How d'you get this bloody DVD to work?
TOM
Christ, please, not another bloody commentary...
COLIN
No no no no no, they're repeating old editions of 'Crosswits' on Challenge TV and this recordable player is perfect for copying a memento of my extra-Who-iccular achievements to date.
TOM
Just don't wipe over my TV ads disk.
(both stop what they are doing and turn to face each other with blankly depressed expressions)
COLIN
Oh, f*** .....
TOM
I was loved once.....yes, I was loved once...
Mwahahahahahahaaaaa
Adam
The Minister of Chance
"Dame Thora Hird's Nice History of Britain"
Personalised email by http://another.com
AT HOME WITH THE BAKERS
MTV UK have previewed a forthcoming attraction in its new autumn lineup - a reality sitcom called The Bakers. Inspired by the hit series The Osbournes, it follows the daily lives of Tom and Colin and their clan as they move to a new Knightsbridge mansion, where they oversee the ups and downs of their respective theatrical, local newspaper journalism and voice-over careers.
Said MTV spokesperson Sophie T. Billyfluff, "We are delighted to have the Bakers as part of our new lineup. After Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne's success as TV stars, we set out to find another duo of eccentric Brits, whose attempts to get through the mundane reality of daily life, despite their addled and unique perspectives, lead to all manner of colourful and entertaining situations. Tom and Colin are recognised the world over. Well, one of them is anyway."
Tachyon TV is proud to reveal some exclusive transcripts from the new series...
Tom is in the study as his wife sorts through paperwork)
TOM
Ahhhh......now, where's my filofax, I swear I'd put it down here a moment ago. A vast, bulging thing, swathed in black fake-leather, like the wobbly a*** of an ageing and obese prostitute, squatting there vying for my potential entry.
TOM'S WIFE
It's there. Right there, in front of you. On your lap.
TOM
Ahhhhh, so it is, so it is! Yes, so very perceptive of you! Yes, I WAS actually aware of its location mere centimetres away from my quivering digits, but it allowed one the opportunity to orate in a crude and jocular manner, and as you know I do like to-
TOM'S WIFE
Oh f*** off you boring f****r and stick the kettle on.
TOM
Right-o.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Colin and his wife are in the kitchen as their daughter appears, ready for a night out)
DAUGHTER
Da-aaa-d, I just want money for a taxi to Helen's party, that's all.
COLIN
A taxi? A taxi? A TAXI? Listen my girl and listen well. I wrote a column not two weeks ago for the Barnsworth Echo about the atrocious overcharging of taxi drivers in the vicinity and I'll be damned, damned, if I'll allow you to wander with all the naivety of youth into their greedy, manipulative clutches!
DAUGHTER
Oh f*** off dad.
COLIN
Manners my dear, it's 'Go forth and multiply'!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Colin is at his desk in the living room, typing away)
NANNY
Mr. Baker, it's the phone for you.
COLIN
If it's the Nuneaton Chronicle, tell them it's in the post. If it's the Leyland and Euxton Courier, tell them I'm on schedule. And if it's the Northcastle Hippodrome, direct them to my agent and tell them I'd like to play Buttons.
NANNY
It's some bloke from the Doctor Who fan club, wants you to do a convention in Barnsely tomorrow aft-
COLIN
GIVE ME THAT PHONE!!!
(lunges chaotically and accidentally crashes through a plate glass window)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Tom and Colin are in the living room, TV switched on)
TOM
....so it was Stephen Fry, Brian Sewell, Gore Vidal and myself, and just as I opened my ninth bottle of red, some f***ing c*** of a man in a multi-coloured scarf comes groveling up to me and says -
COLIN
Oh, balls and damnation! How d'you get this bloody DVD to work?
TOM
Christ, please, not another bloody commentary...
COLIN
No no no no no, they're repeating old editions of 'Crosswits' on Challenge TV and this recordable player is perfect for copying a memento of my extra-Who-iccular achievements to date.
TOM
Just don't wipe over my TV ads disk.
(both stop what they are doing and turn to face each other with blankly depressed expressions)
COLIN
Oh, f*** .....
TOM
I was loved once.....yes, I was loved once...
Mwahahahahahahaaaaa
Adam
The Minister of Chance
"Dame Thora Hird's Nice History of Britain"
Personalised email by http://another.com