Bingly Bong, Bingly Bong, Bingly Bong, Bingly Bong....
Some Doctor Who themed madness I found
Adam
The Secretary of Doom!!!
US Season One Episode Guide
A slightly askew look at the Who we never had... - originally published in
BHFH #1 24 / 8 / 97
In this exclusive document, leaked to us by the bloke who stuck the jelly
babies into McGann's jacket, we take a frightening look at the planned first
season of American doctor Who. With the new executive producers, Glen A.
Larson and Stephen J. Cannel on board, fans should be prepared for a few
shocks.
1. FOREVER YOUNG In a freak accident, the Doctor and Grace are turned into
twelve year olds and must battle wits with this week's special guest Master,
Barry Letts.
2. THE BUCKFAST FACTOR A strange anomaly causes the TARDIS crew to lose all
their inhibitions,the Doctor and Grace declare their true feelings for one
another and we get a tantalising glimpse of the TARDIS' master bedroom.
3. MATHEMATICAL EXCREMENT In this story featuring a group of cute, young,
child thieves, the popular character of Adric is brought back, after being
thrown into a chronospatial anomaly by the explosion of the freighter in
Earthshock. He will, of course, be joining the TARDIS crew as a regular.
4. DOWN AND SAFE IN BEVERLEY HILLS In this we have our first in what we hope
will be many invasions of Earth, with the terrifying Cybermen given a
startling, chromed and shiny look, with a red light that moves back and
forth along their forehead. In this story they invade Los Angeles. Looks
like Vancouver though...
5. I DRANK WHAT? After hitting a temporal anomaly, something goes wrong as
the TARDIS materialises. The Doc and Grace wake up to find a whole day is
missing! Where did the traffic cone come from? Where is Adric? why are there
several used condoms around the console room?
6. A RACE AGAINST TIME Alan Rickman guest stars as the Master, with Jon
Lovitz as his comedy sidekick in this exciting adventure set entirely within
the TARDIS. When the Master and his evil henchmen takeover the TARDIS, the
Doctor must battle against the odds, fighting evil-doers, defusing bombs and
cracking snappy one liners, in this story that's nothing like Die Hard,
ST:TNG's Starship Mine or that episode of Seaquest DSV at all, oh no...
7. THE REVENGE OF SOLDEED Graham Crowden reprises his greatest role as the
Skonnon scientist in this rip-roaring adventure. Thrill as he wields his
weird pointy stick thing! Scream as he tries to get off with Grace! cheer as
he kills Adric! With the death of a regular character, viewers will realise
no-one is safe and this will add tension to each and every one of the
following stories.
8. REGURGITATION OF THE DALEKS Yes, finally, the return of the Daleks, as
they invade Washington D.C. (not Vancouver, honest...) Thrill to the Daleks
blowing up the White House! Faint as they climb the steps of the Lincoln
Memorial! Pull out voodoo dolls of the producers as the Daleks morph into
slake-like-terminatory-type things.
9. HITLER'S OTHER BALL The Doctor and Grace land in an alternative
time-line, one where Adolf Hitler retained both his balls, there is no
Albert Hall and the Nazis won WWII. The Doctor realises this cannot be
allowed and repairs history so that he can attend Orbital's 1996 Albert Hall
performance. Special guest star - Michael Sheard as Hitler!
10. KOMPALEATI BALLUXI this marks the show's first crossover. Co-written by
Chris Carter, this story features Mulder and Scully from the X-Files and
reveals that Mulder's sister was kidnapped by the Master! This week's
special guest Master is played by Gordon Tipple.
11. CON-MUNION In order to correct a massive quantum-phasic schism in the
space-time continuum, the Doctor must kidnap Whitley streiber and make him
think he's been abducted my small, cute, grey aliens who perform unspeakable
experiments upon his person with a battery and crocodile clips.
12. MAKE MINE A DOUBLE Upon encountering a strange anomaly, the doctor
initiates an emergency materialisation. However, two TARDISes appear, each
with a Doctor and Grace on board, one in Totter's Lane, the other on Barnes
Common. On;y one can survive! Meanwhile, this week's special guest Master,
John Virgo, tries to destroy them both.
13. THE SONIC SCREWDRIVER THEORY November 22nd, 1963. A tall figure wearing
a floppy hat and long scarf is on a grassy knoll in Dallas. In the same
city, a man with a garish multi-coloured coat is returning a book to the
Texas book depository. A young man in a cricketing outfit is hiding in the
trunk of the President's car. The car is being driven by a man with a cloak
and lots of velvet, whilst another small man plays the recorder beside a man
with a film camera named Zapruder. A white-haired old gentleman is shooing a
young woman into a police box, muttering something about setting the video
for 5.15pm tomorrow night. A small man who usually wears a questionmark
pullover is currently disguised as JFK, while a young woman from Perivale is
pretending to be Jackie! Can the Doctor and Grace figure out just what the
hell is going on? And can this episodes special guest Master - Eddie Izzard,
stop Oliver Stone from making a movie about it?
14. MISSION:IMPROBABLE In order to keep history on track, the Doc spends a
day recording tapes and leaving them in special locations to be found by a
Mr. Briggs and a Mr. Phelps at the right time to fix terrible
discontinuities in the continuity of the universe. Meanwhile, Jean reno,
this week's special guest Master, attempts to stop him.
15. MIGHT MORPHIN' POWER AUTONS The shape-changing Autons invade Detroit
(which looks absolutely nothing like Vancouver as long as you don't look too
closely) whilst masquerading as the most popular toy range in the country!
16. CYBEROTAKUNINJATECHNOBOLLOCKS CUTAWAY A dark, cyberpunky episode with
cyberspace, killer cyborgs, drugs, ninjas, evil corporations and a five
second appearance by the Doctor. Written by Cartmel and Aaronovitch.
17. TWINS OF EVIL When the TARDIS materialisation goes wrong, the TARDIS
merges with a peculiar anomaly, which splits the Doctor and Grace into two,
one pair good, ne pair evil. This episode will show the characters' internal
struggles literally, as well as cutting down the cost of actors and
providing a few cheap laughs.
18. DOCTOR WHO'S BOGUS ADVENTURE In the second of our crossovers, the Doctor
and Grace team up with Bill and Ted to stop the evil Rani from disrupting
history. In a series of comic adventures and mishaps, Bill and Ted are
eventually sent to Gallifrey to study at the Academy. We felt we needed a
great British actress to play the part of the Rani, so we chose the most
popular and well-known British actress on USTV today, Jane Leeves.
19. THE ONE WITH THE NIMONS The most terrifying monsters ever to appear in
Who, the Nimon, invade Vancouver, no New York, it may look like Vancouver,
but it's not, it's New York, right?!?! The Doctor and Grace join with our
very special guest stars - the cast of Friends, to defend the besieged
Central Perk. With judicious use of coffee, wit, sarcasm and a monkey, the
evil Nimon are defeated once and for all.
20. MEMORIES Because this episode's budget was used to hire the cast of
Friends for the previous episode, this episode will consist of the Doctor
and Grace reminiscing over their adventures so far over a cup of tea.
21. CONVENTION BOUND The fluid link conks out while the TARDIS is travelling
through a bizarre transmoronic anomaly. The TARDIS materialises in an
alternate universe and the Doctor and Grace are trapped in the Hotel Leofric
on the eve of Panopticon 96. Can the Doctor and Grace find enough mercury to
escape before hundreds of fans descend upon them?
22. TWIN OF EVIL The Doctor's evil twin brother turns up, played by Paul
McGann with a sinister goatee. He has an experimental TARDIS that is not
only better than the Doctor's but has an oscillating red light on it's
front. The Doctor is challenged to a TARDIS dogfight, but can he defeat the
living example of all that he stands against?
23. I AND WITHNAIL In order to prevent a catastrophic alteration of history,
the Doctor must disguise himself as an out-of-work actor, in order to make
sure Peter Withnail goes on holiday by mistake. This is not, repeat not
another example of the budget running out and us having to purchase stock
footage, honest. With special guest Master - Richard Griffiths.
24. CLIFFHANGER Whilst a disguised Doctor runs around a prison colony
covered in muck, nasty things are afoot. The Doctor's father (Tom Baker) had
had both his lawnmower stolen and his gravestone defaced. He calls upon his
wayward son to help. The amazing cliffhanger has Grace telling the doctor
that she's pregnant, as Adric is revealed to be the new Cyberleader! To be
continued... Stay Tuned!
Adam
The Secretary of Doom!!!
US Season One Episode Guide
A slightly askew look at the Who we never had... - originally published in
BHFH #1 24 / 8 / 97
In this exclusive document, leaked to us by the bloke who stuck the jelly
babies into McGann's jacket, we take a frightening look at the planned first
season of American doctor Who. With the new executive producers, Glen A.
Larson and Stephen J. Cannel on board, fans should be prepared for a few
shocks.
1. FOREVER YOUNG In a freak accident, the Doctor and Grace are turned into
twelve year olds and must battle wits with this week's special guest Master,
Barry Letts.
2. THE BUCKFAST FACTOR A strange anomaly causes the TARDIS crew to lose all
their inhibitions,the Doctor and Grace declare their true feelings for one
another and we get a tantalising glimpse of the TARDIS' master bedroom.
3. MATHEMATICAL EXCREMENT In this story featuring a group of cute, young,
child thieves, the popular character of Adric is brought back, after being
thrown into a chronospatial anomaly by the explosion of the freighter in
Earthshock. He will, of course, be joining the TARDIS crew as a regular.
4. DOWN AND SAFE IN BEVERLEY HILLS In this we have our first in what we hope
will be many invasions of Earth, with the terrifying Cybermen given a
startling, chromed and shiny look, with a red light that moves back and
forth along their forehead. In this story they invade Los Angeles. Looks
like Vancouver though...
5. I DRANK WHAT? After hitting a temporal anomaly, something goes wrong as
the TARDIS materialises. The Doc and Grace wake up to find a whole day is
missing! Where did the traffic cone come from? Where is Adric? why are there
several used condoms around the console room?
6. A RACE AGAINST TIME Alan Rickman guest stars as the Master, with Jon
Lovitz as his comedy sidekick in this exciting adventure set entirely within
the TARDIS. When the Master and his evil henchmen takeover the TARDIS, the
Doctor must battle against the odds, fighting evil-doers, defusing bombs and
cracking snappy one liners, in this story that's nothing like Die Hard,
ST:TNG's Starship Mine or that episode of Seaquest DSV at all, oh no...
7. THE REVENGE OF SOLDEED Graham Crowden reprises his greatest role as the
Skonnon scientist in this rip-roaring adventure. Thrill as he wields his
weird pointy stick thing! Scream as he tries to get off with Grace! cheer as
he kills Adric! With the death of a regular character, viewers will realise
no-one is safe and this will add tension to each and every one of the
following stories.
8. REGURGITATION OF THE DALEKS Yes, finally, the return of the Daleks, as
they invade Washington D.C. (not Vancouver, honest...) Thrill to the Daleks
blowing up the White House! Faint as they climb the steps of the Lincoln
Memorial! Pull out voodoo dolls of the producers as the Daleks morph into
slake-like-terminatory-type things.
9. HITLER'S OTHER BALL The Doctor and Grace land in an alternative
time-line, one where Adolf Hitler retained both his balls, there is no
Albert Hall and the Nazis won WWII. The Doctor realises this cannot be
allowed and repairs history so that he can attend Orbital's 1996 Albert Hall
performance. Special guest star - Michael Sheard as Hitler!
10. KOMPALEATI BALLUXI this marks the show's first crossover. Co-written by
Chris Carter, this story features Mulder and Scully from the X-Files and
reveals that Mulder's sister was kidnapped by the Master! This week's
special guest Master is played by Gordon Tipple.
11. CON-MUNION In order to correct a massive quantum-phasic schism in the
space-time continuum, the Doctor must kidnap Whitley streiber and make him
think he's been abducted my small, cute, grey aliens who perform unspeakable
experiments upon his person with a battery and crocodile clips.
12. MAKE MINE A DOUBLE Upon encountering a strange anomaly, the doctor
initiates an emergency materialisation. However, two TARDISes appear, each
with a Doctor and Grace on board, one in Totter's Lane, the other on Barnes
Common. On;y one can survive! Meanwhile, this week's special guest Master,
John Virgo, tries to destroy them both.
13. THE SONIC SCREWDRIVER THEORY November 22nd, 1963. A tall figure wearing
a floppy hat and long scarf is on a grassy knoll in Dallas. In the same
city, a man with a garish multi-coloured coat is returning a book to the
Texas book depository. A young man in a cricketing outfit is hiding in the
trunk of the President's car. The car is being driven by a man with a cloak
and lots of velvet, whilst another small man plays the recorder beside a man
with a film camera named Zapruder. A white-haired old gentleman is shooing a
young woman into a police box, muttering something about setting the video
for 5.15pm tomorrow night. A small man who usually wears a questionmark
pullover is currently disguised as JFK, while a young woman from Perivale is
pretending to be Jackie! Can the Doctor and Grace figure out just what the
hell is going on? And can this episodes special guest Master - Eddie Izzard,
stop Oliver Stone from making a movie about it?
14. MISSION:IMPROBABLE In order to keep history on track, the Doc spends a
day recording tapes and leaving them in special locations to be found by a
Mr. Briggs and a Mr. Phelps at the right time to fix terrible
discontinuities in the continuity of the universe. Meanwhile, Jean reno,
this week's special guest Master, attempts to stop him.
15. MIGHT MORPHIN' POWER AUTONS The shape-changing Autons invade Detroit
(which looks absolutely nothing like Vancouver as long as you don't look too
closely) whilst masquerading as the most popular toy range in the country!
16. CYBEROTAKUNINJATECHNOBOLLOCKS CUTAWAY A dark, cyberpunky episode with
cyberspace, killer cyborgs, drugs, ninjas, evil corporations and a five
second appearance by the Doctor. Written by Cartmel and Aaronovitch.
17. TWINS OF EVIL When the TARDIS materialisation goes wrong, the TARDIS
merges with a peculiar anomaly, which splits the Doctor and Grace into two,
one pair good, ne pair evil. This episode will show the characters' internal
struggles literally, as well as cutting down the cost of actors and
providing a few cheap laughs.
18. DOCTOR WHO'S BOGUS ADVENTURE In the second of our crossovers, the Doctor
and Grace team up with Bill and Ted to stop the evil Rani from disrupting
history. In a series of comic adventures and mishaps, Bill and Ted are
eventually sent to Gallifrey to study at the Academy. We felt we needed a
great British actress to play the part of the Rani, so we chose the most
popular and well-known British actress on USTV today, Jane Leeves.
19. THE ONE WITH THE NIMONS The most terrifying monsters ever to appear in
Who, the Nimon, invade Vancouver, no New York, it may look like Vancouver,
but it's not, it's New York, right?!?! The Doctor and Grace join with our
very special guest stars - the cast of Friends, to defend the besieged
Central Perk. With judicious use of coffee, wit, sarcasm and a monkey, the
evil Nimon are defeated once and for all.
20. MEMORIES Because this episode's budget was used to hire the cast of
Friends for the previous episode, this episode will consist of the Doctor
and Grace reminiscing over their adventures so far over a cup of tea.
21. CONVENTION BOUND The fluid link conks out while the TARDIS is travelling
through a bizarre transmoronic anomaly. The TARDIS materialises in an
alternate universe and the Doctor and Grace are trapped in the Hotel Leofric
on the eve of Panopticon 96. Can the Doctor and Grace find enough mercury to
escape before hundreds of fans descend upon them?
22. TWIN OF EVIL The Doctor's evil twin brother turns up, played by Paul
McGann with a sinister goatee. He has an experimental TARDIS that is not
only better than the Doctor's but has an oscillating red light on it's
front. The Doctor is challenged to a TARDIS dogfight, but can he defeat the
living example of all that he stands against?
23. I AND WITHNAIL In order to prevent a catastrophic alteration of history,
the Doctor must disguise himself as an out-of-work actor, in order to make
sure Peter Withnail goes on holiday by mistake. This is not, repeat not
another example of the budget running out and us having to purchase stock
footage, honest. With special guest Master - Richard Griffiths.
24. CLIFFHANGER Whilst a disguised Doctor runs around a prison colony
covered in muck, nasty things are afoot. The Doctor's father (Tom Baker) had
had both his lawnmower stolen and his gravestone defaced. He calls upon his
wayward son to help. The amazing cliffhanger has Grace telling the doctor
that she's pregnant, as Adric is revealed to be the new Cyberleader! To be
continued... Stay Tuned!