Tests

Well, I'm due to pop my clogs on December 20, 2042 aged 64
Probabilities:
cancer: 29%
heart attack: 23
Homicide: 13
drowning: 5

But I feel that 'Homicide would have come up as a higher probability if they
had asked the questions which are really relevant to me. Such as "Does your
girlfriend kill people for fun?" or "do you closely associate with anyone
planning to take over the world?". I was really disappointed to not get
Alien abduction as a possibility, perhaps if they had asked "Are you
currently going out with an Extra Terrestrial Life form?" I may have got
that one quite highly.

Later,

James.

I took the test yesterday, so these are from memory... but I got
March the somethingth, 2057, aged 82
1st) Cancer
2nd) Heart Attack
3rd) Alien Abduction
4th) Drowning
5th) Loneliness

So they know that if I don't die of cancer in the morning, then aliens will
come and abduct me later in the day - however, the shock of this test being
proved accurate may induce a heart attack, causing the aliens to abort their
attempt. If I survive the heart attack (or am revived), then I will
probably be dropped face first into a puddle when they get me out of the
ambulance and by a freak of nature contrive to drown in half an inch of
water.

---

Adrian, etc...

Test? Aliens?

OK, I've got a while yet... Apparently I'm due to shuffle off this mortal
coil on February 26, 2051 at the age of 71 years old.

I will probably die of:
Heart Attack (24%) - 'Cos I'm a slack bastard who doesn't do any exercise.
Alien Abduction (15%) - "Take me home, space brothers!"... 'Nuff said.
Alcoholism (13%) - I'll drink to that.
Cancer (13%)
Third Degree Burns (8%)
Loneliness (6%)
Homicide (6%)

So there we go. It's somehow quite comforting to know that I'm more likely
to depart this world by alien abduction than by cancer or alcoholism

Oh, and 75% Un-telligent, apparently... "resourceful, sly, and guaranteed to
get away with everything"... Me? No no nononono... Well... :-)


Later,

Steve :-)
_
__
(oO)
/||\

On Fri, 18 Feb 2000 06:53:13 -0000 Dismukes S
<S.Dismukes@> wrote:
I'd like to complain about this (no offense Steve), but as
a girl I have always been told I would live longer than my
male counterparts, but now it appears not....

Emma

----------------------
Emma Sadler
E.Sadler@

On Fri, 18 Feb 2000, Emma Sadler wrote:
I wouldn't worry about it - Steve is cheating. His beard gives him
strange and mystical powers - including longevity(sp?). *8)

Chris

---

christ@ #include <stddisclaimer.h> http://www.instituteofcorrection.org.uk/

"So this is really me? A no-style gimbo with teeth druids could use as a
place of worship" - Duaine Dibley (Red Dwarf - "Back to Reality")

Not for very much longer, because the Cthulu beard of doom will be
eradicated for rag week. Ahhh, poor Steve, what is he going to do then? =$-)

Ron

Previously:
Have a cold face, I should expect. Curse you, Dickinson, look what you have
done to me...

Oh, yeah, I'm being sponsored to remove the facial fungus. All proceeds to
Rag Week. Please give generously to help ensure that the beard is not
slaughtered in vain...

You can sponsor me to wear the MIB getup as well. Cash to that cause also,
if you please.

Later,

Steve :-{)}
_
__
(oO)
/||\

Yes, but how much do we have to pay to get you out of the MIB gear Steve?

IZ

On Sun, 20 Feb 2000, Eden I wrote:
You have to pay more than the amount we'd offer to make sure Steve kept
his clothes on whilst down the pub. A lot in other words. *8)

Chris

In article <Pine.GSU.4.10.10002201944430.10822-100000@>, Chris Turner <christ@> wrote:
Why don't we just cut to the chase and auction Steve off? I'm sure the
bidding would go high, then the rest of the IFIS females could send their
attentions elsewhere.

Such as trying to work out how to murder the winner.


Perhaps a Steve timetable? Sell timeshare slots or something? Or are you
Steve-fanciers (my, there are a lot of you) all too conventional to share?



Simon

---
"This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind" -Ecclesiastes 4:16

simon@ | Not affiliated to any religion
simon@ | Not affiliated to any politics
H (+44/0)1784 431998 | Not affiliated to any ideology
M (+44/0)7967 109779 (GMT/BST) | What does that make me?

Steve?
We could always just take him back to Waterloo station again .... I'm
convinced we never bought the real one home last time ...
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Philip Ayres
payres@
www.netcomuk.co.uk/~payres
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

On Sun, 20 Feb 2000 simon@ wrote:
Actually....thats not a bad way of raising money. You auction off people
for a day of slavery/a date/something or other. Doubt it's worth it for
just one person though.
GameSoc is running that week long killer event after Killer Con - perfect
way to kill your friends without having to spend several weeks in prison!
But Steve is happy involved with his beard - I hardly ever see them apart.
I doubt the beard doesn't want to share, it certain looks at you
funny-like if you get too close. *8)

Chris

Well, I doubt if anyone would want to buy me (sob!)

Adam.

Previously:
Indeed. The world is not yet ready for the sight of the Hairy Legs of
Annihilation. Much less the beer gut...
Wait, wait, wait, don't I get some say in this? Primarily: No. Sorry,
people, not for sale for anything less than a seven-digit sum. The beard can
go, the MIB outfit can be worn, but the man himself is not for sale. Sorry
to disappoint. :-P

Later,

Steve :-)
_
__
(oO)
/||\ Sheesh, go home for 24 hours and they start plotting to sell you
off...

On Mon, 21 Feb 2000, Dismukes S wrote:
Well I'm sure one of the lovely IFIS ladies could scrape together 100,000
Lira - thats a 7-digit sum. *8)
*grins*

Chris

---

christ@ #include <stddisclaimer.h> http://www.instituteofcorrection.org.uk/

"So this is really me? A no-style gimbo with teeth druids could use as a
place of worship" - Duaine Dibley (Red Dwarf - "Back to Reality")

Looks more like six to me, maybe I'm missing something....


Jon

On Mon, 21 Feb 2000, Jon Lee wrote:
Oops. Well ok - just times everything I said by 10 then. Geez - I did
computer science and people still expect me to be able to add er I mean
multiple er...I mean count...oh I give up.

At 317UKP pounds I guess Steve's tenure would last more than just a night
then? *8)

Chris

Confirmation of reading: your message -

Date: 21 Feb 00, 13:56
To: chat@
Subject: RE: Steve for sale

Was read at 15:14, 21 Feb 100.

Previously:
Ah, no, that's a six-digit sum. Count the numbers... :-P

Anyway, I only accept your fine English pound sterlings. Or US dollars in
this uncertain world... :-)

Oh, and if whoever has the beard sponsorship form could bring it to the
Gamesoc meeting tonight, that'd be good...

Later,

Steve :-)
_
__
(oO)
/||\

I have seen the hairy legs of annihilation (IFIS men rolling up trouser legs
in common room - I ran and hid - much to scary for my poor sweet mind) and
truly, the world will never be ready for them (that's not meant to be
insulting, Steve). As for the beer gut - you have one?

Eh? What poor sweet mind is that then?

Auntie Doris

But, Auntie Dowis, you know I'm a sweet and innocent ickle girl.
o:-)

Sorka

Kerry, we've told you you before; put the little girl away, before you get
booked for having a weapon banned by the Geneva Convention on you.

Sorka: Go back to your room and stay there until you age at least 10 years.

But, but ... Runs away in floods of tears.

You've gone and done it now, Ron, you've hurt her feelings. Well, don't
come crying to me, I can't save you from the consequences of this one.

Later

Kes

On the contrary, I just did. Not only that, but it was best for her. What
sort of life is it for a little girl to hang aroung a bunch of piss-head
students all the time? All she'll learn are bad habits and swear words.
Whilst both of these have their use at times, they are *not* what I expect
to teach my daughters (and yes, I do plan to have some. At the risk of
sounding like a dirty old man, I like children, especially little girls).

Oh, and as far as Auntie Doris is concerned, I'm not overly worried - she's
a bloody awful shot, as we all found out yesterday night (or rather early
this morning). I could hit her three times armed with a flintlock pistol
before she pulls her gun out from under her skirts.

I do feel sorry for Sorka, but little girls on the whole have a very short
memory, so when she comes down (which will hopefully be in 10 years time),
she won't remember a thing. Besides which, I'll buy her a lolly, and she'll
be quite happy.

*dying from laughter* hum ... sweet maybe (as sweet as a baby
rottweiler), I am sure your very innocent as well (as innocent as Carlos
the Jackle)... just keep telling yourself this >8)


"Let me try on your dress, it turns me on when we're a mess...
We won't live forever now, so let's make the most of it somehow"

nothing@

Sorka _is_ sweet and innocent dear. That's the whole idea.

Thinking about it I get to die of much more fun things
anyway.


Emma

----------------------
Emma Sadler
E.Sadler@