funny stuff (1998/11/17)

funny stuff

Posted by Sarah J. on 1998/11/17 17:45

The Perfect Day for Her:
08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
08:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
08:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
09:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and blow dry
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs 13:00

Shopping

with friends, unlimited credit
15:00 Nap
16:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret

admirer

16:15 Gentle game of Tennis, followed by a soothing massage
17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror 19:30
Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing 22:00 Hot shower
(alone)
22:30 Make love
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling 23:15 Fall asleep

his big strong arms ********************************************

The

Perfect Day for Him:
06:00 Alarm
06:15 Blow-job
06:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of The Sun 07:00
Breakfast, bacon, sausage and eggs, toast and coffee 07:30 Limo
arrives
07:45 Bloody Mary enroute to airport 08:15 Private G4 to St

Andrews,

Scotland 09:30 Limo to St Andrews Golf Club
09:45 Golf
11:45 Lunch, burger, chips and ketchup, 3 Heinekens 12:15 Blow-job
12.30 More golf
14:15 Limo back to airport (more beer & enroute Blow-job) 14:30
Private G4, to Dublin (nap)
15:30 Late afternoon Guiness drinking with all female (topless)

crowd

17:00 G4 back home, massage & hand job enroute by naked girls
18:45 Shit, shower and shave
19:30 Dinner, even more beer, 20 oz. Steak 21:00 Brandy and Cuban
Partagas cigar 21:30 Sex with three women
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
23:45 Bed (alone)
23:50 12 second, 4 octave fart, dog leaves the room 23:55 Giggle
yourself to sleep

One day, Ken complained to his friend, "My elbow really

hurts. I

guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't

that!!!

There's a computer at the drugstore that can diagnose

anything,

quicker
and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your

urine

and > > > the

computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you

can >

do about it. It only costs $10.00."

Ken figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with

urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the

computer,

he > > > poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The

computer

started

making some noises and the various lights started flashing.

After > > a

brief
pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labour.
It will be better in two weeks. > > >
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new

technology > > was

and
how it would change medical science forever, he began to

wonder

if > > > this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a

try.

mixed

together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and

urine

samples
from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated

into

the > > > concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the
machine,

poured in
the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made

the

usual

noise
and printed out the following analysis: > > >
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms.
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter's using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. > > > Your wife's

pregnant

- twin girls. > > > They aren't yours.

Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jacking off,
You're never going to fix that tennis elbow > > >

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialling >
numbers...like using a telephone... on his hand, then puts his

palm up

against his cheek and begins talking.

Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a

very

tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I

had >

phone >

installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the > >

cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it." So the guy dials up a number

and

hands

his
hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and

carries

on a

conversation.

"That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have

believed >

it !"

"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker,

my >

wife,

you name it. By the way, where is the toilet ?". The

bartender >

directs

him to the men's room.

The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't >

return.

Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes

into the

men's room to check on the guy.

The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are

pulled

down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his ass.
"Oh my god !" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are

you >

hurt

?" >

The
guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a >

fax." >

HOW "THEY" DO IT WHEN IT COMES TO SEX > >> > >
Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturist do it with a small prick > >> > >

Ambulance

driver comes quicker

Australians do it Down Under > >> > >Bach did it

using

the
organ > >> > >Bankers do it with interest

Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Batman does it using his Robin
Bookkeepers do it for the record > >> > >Bosses

delegate

the task to others > >> > >Chess players check their Mates

Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure > >> >

Dentist do it orally

Detectives do it under cover
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers > >> >

Elevator men do it up and down

Engineers do it to specifications
Engineers do it to a first order approximation > >> >

Firemen do it with a big hose

Frank Sinatra does it his way > >> > >Garbagemen

come

twice a week

Gardeners do it on the bushes > >> > > Gas

attendants

Pump all day

Golfers do it in 18 holes
Landlords do it every 1st of the month > >> >

Managers
make others do it

Marketing reps do it on commission
Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free > >> >

Waiters and waitresses do it for tips

Zoologists do it with animals > >> > >

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