Assuming that the ship in Alien ressurection 'landed' on the United states, Ripley did the Earth more than one service.
...............................................................................
clyth@
In relativity, matter tells space how to curve, and space tells matter
how to move. The Heart of Gold told space to get knotted...
D. Adams Life, The Universe and Everything
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From: Pringlespanion
Sent: 02 February 1998 17:22
To: 'chat@'
Subject: RE: Sci-Fi Dialogue
On Sun, 1 Feb 1998, Chilard D wrote:
Warning! This E-mail contains only a very tenuous sci-fi link at best!
Previously on "Americans: The Untold Story", Pringlespanion (what the
hell kind of a name is that?) said:
Pringlespanion was created one night when I was very tired indeed. I can
never be bothered to remove him.
That's hardly jamming our superiority complex down other people's
throats,
now is it? More being loud and having a good time, methinks.
Yes, and that's what I hate about the English - the Great British Lager
Lout. Yeah, they have them in America too (to some extent), but the USA
isn't so associated with disreputable drunken behaviour. Disreputable
Well, that's because by the time you can drink in a lot of America, you're
too old to have fun.
drug-high behaviour certainly, but people like that are frowned upon.
And besides, they have the Betty Ford clinic - what do we have?
Less mass murderers for a start.
Besides, what does it say about the English that the only way they can
have a good time is by getting totally rat-ar... er, rat-derriered?
That they don't think the culture of the country they're in is worthy of
their notice? That they can mess up other countries just the same as
OK. So you want to go on holiday for some sun, some fun, some romance (Or
the holiday equivalent.) So you go to Ibiza. Probably on an 18-30 package
('cause it's cheap.) You're surrounded by people your age, clubs, pools,
alcohol, drugs (if you wish), whatever... so you're going to 'explore the
culture?' OK. Say you do. You set out and find a town or a village. You
enter a bar for a quiet drink, but your clothes give youaway. And your
voice. You probably can't speak whatever language it is they speak over
there. So they beat you up. Probably. I mean, it's a bit rich coming over
to the resort that's screwing up their culture and then invading their
private space as well, isn't it? No, if you go to a resort, you're going
to a place that caters specially for 'louts.'
they mess up their own? (After living on campus for a year and getting
*no* sleep thanks to Lads, you'll forgive me for being a bit intolerant
of them!)
Never had that problem myself. But I went out a lot. Did you?
That's because they really want to be. Unfortunately, America hasn't
heard
of the age old saying 'The less one is apt to make declarative
statements,
the less one is likely to look foolish in retrospect.' So when they
say
how strong their armed forces are, Viet Naam happens. When they say
how
free everyone is, the cordon off an area the size of Switzerland and
shoot
anyone who goes anywhere near it. And persecute communists. And
when the say how their government has so much integrity, they have
watergate and various suspitious assasinations. America as a nation
has
the attitudes of a little child...
Oh, and our government has integrity? (Don't be fooled by the smile -
I'm saying our government has MORE integrity than the American government.
This I have from a sociology student friend of mine (and ex
IFIS
secretary) Considering how crap our government is, the American system
must be really poor.
Example. America wanted to invade somewhere. Some island, I forget which
one. They wanted to send in some marines, who would find the leader and
take him out. So, they air-dropped in some marines. Of course, marines
being so fit and well trained, they didn't want to hike through jungles
and enemy territory, so they were air dropped to an area near their
destination. Unfortunately, it was swamp. They sank.
Ol' pres, he says: 'Well, send some more in!'
They sank.
Ol' pres, he says: 'Well, dagnabit, send some more in. We have the best
troops in the world! They can surely cope with swamp...'
They sank.
Ol' pres, he says: 'Well, the poor dears will get tired, but we'd better
drop them off at the beach next time.'
They were shot down. Very quickly. By forewarned enemy troops who probably
had huge smiles on their faces.
Ol' pres, he says: 'Well, send some MORE in!'
Etc.
Afterward, all the 'advisors' and officials involved said that they all
knew it was a bad idea, but they couldn't go against the president. 'I
mean, he's the PRESIDENT! He HAS to be right!'
see the Demonic Eyes!) Anyway, when people say America is "the greatest
country on Earth", it's normally in TV shows when they are just about to
have their faith shaken... (ie. it's ironic). In fact, once in The
That's only recently. But that scent in ID4, where independence day
becomes a worldwide symbol of hope and freedom... How could you not be
moved to vomitus?
Simpsons, Homer's being driven to a football game by arch-enemy Ned
Flanders, but out of embarrassment pushes his nemesis down out of sight;
two of Homer's work colleagues comment "Hey, Homer's in one of those
robot cars!" <CRASH!> "One of those *American* robot cars..."
Indeed. Simpsons is one of those rare things - an American program that
takes the mickey out of America. And there's certainly plenty of material.
That's a good point Lenny makes, though... Does America ever make anything
good? What's their major export? Films? Tobacco? Microsoft? Hey, all
things that are poorly made, or really screw people up. 'White trash' (American
lower class. Yes, they DO have one. They just don't like to admit it's not
all blacks) is defined as people who own only American made products.
Anyone with money gets a rolex watch, a BMW car, etc. etc. All american
made consumer goods suck. (And that's really poor, considering they're a
capitalist country.)
Back to the simpsons, though, they not only take the piss out of America,
but any country they can get their hands on. And the only time I've ever
seen them take England on was a couple of days ago... And all they could
find to use? The fact that we're not all completely obsessed with
dentistry. (There's a kid in a dentist's chair...
dentist: How often do you clean your teeth?
kid: Three times a day.
dentist: Why must you turn this room into a HOUSE OF LIES???
kid: (whimpers and cowers) It's all a lie. I don't brush my teeth.
dentist: I want to show you something.
<dentist brings out 'The Big Book of British Smiles' and flips through.
Inside are pictures of people with hideous teeth deformations. Including
Prince Charles with one tooth almost piercing his nose. Kid cowers in
abject terror.>)
I laughed so hard, I almost fell off my seat.
Anyway, don't the American people object to these things as well? It's
not like they're saying "Gee, I hope the FBI drags me away tomorrow,
Elmer!"
But far too many Americans believe their own hype. You see it on TV when
they're interviewed. You obviously believe their hype as well. Easy to do,
as there's a lot of it, and some is surprisingly subtle.
That's because we have more sense than the Americans. We have learned
that
the more we say 'We're cool because...' the more likely it is that
that
will be taken from us.
That's a bit negative. Maybe we don't have much to be proud of... but
we should at least concentrate on what we can do rather than the weird
things other countries do. Maybe we're just miffed we don't have an
Empire any more... (good riddance too!)
There is that. But the whole loss of empire thing proves my point. We
shouted and shouted about that... 'Brittania rules the waves' etc. etc.
And it went. Slowly. Piece by piece. Rubbing it in. So Britains generally
don't shout about their country much any more.
Notice something distinctive, though - Star Trek has a United Federation
of Planets (good)
Run by humans. But mostly Americans. Bad. And very unlikely, considering
it was forged with the Vulcans who were much superior in every way...
, whereas Doctor Who had an Earth Empire (which fought
rather a lot with the Draconians - oh dear)... spot the difference?
Yes. Doctor Who was more realistic. You don't REALLY think we're going to
be all lovey dovey when we get into space do you?
In
fact, in latter years, Dr.Who stories have had the Empire's decline and
replacement by a Federation!
As American entertainment swamped England and rotted our minds... You
know, very often, Americans will come to England, watch TV for a bit,
complain that there are only 4/5 channels, then after a few days say: 'You
know, you don't have many channels, but you do have quality. We have
hundreds of channels, but they're all ****'
The Americans rarely make films that don't follow the hollywood
guidelines: There must be a love interest. The ending should be
uplifting
or neutral. The special effects must take precedence over the plot.
Etc.
I'm sure you can think of some more. They have money, yes, but they're
not
generally as imaginative. They've spent most of their recent past
trying
to make their population plastic, and it's happening.
Ooh! Are you sure they're not just being sarcastic, as mentioned above?
And plastic's better than wood... (uh huh huh huh, I said "wood"!)
For God's sake, what lengths won't you go to to defend America? Every
bloody hollywood film has a romantic bit. They all have big explosions.
They all try to get a chase scene in. Americans tend to put a big flashy
front over things with little content. This is the rouble with their
society.
I actually loved that film. It was expertly crafted, and I think that
anyone can see themselves in at least one character in it. It
contained a
wide range of emotions, realistic but comical situations (as opposed
to
American over the top situations, which is the only way they can make
things funny nowadays.) and lots of the unexpected.
I couldn't associate with anyone in that film; I thought it was banal,
unfunny, depressing, etc.
What you mean is, is was about something small, just one man's plight. It
didn't have enough slapstick, and it wasn't coated in candy. You've been
sucked in by America all right.
But I suppose it was well directed. (All
right, perhaps I can see myself *slightly* in Hugh Grant, but I would
never admit that in public!)
You see because the American film industry has a formula, there aren't
any
surprises any more. Compare this to Trainspotting... Was there a
contrived
love interest, was the story horribly warped to make the ending a soft
centered candy, fluffy 'Oh, we all love eachother really' cop out? No.
Pant. Pant.
Trainspotting is one film I really don't want to see, thankyou very
much.
If you haven't seen it, don't talk about it.
If I want to hear about some annoying pillock taking drugs, I'll
hang around the Student Union... (ooh, how scathing!) I'll also go
there if I want to be totally depressed.
Hey! Just point to yourself and say 'I don't know how to have a good time'
cos it's easier.
What's the point in going
around saying "Oh, I hate everyone, love is meaningless, there's just
personal pleasure"? All you get then is a nation of Seven-style psychos
and Victor Meldrews. Trainspotting, from what I hear of the basic plot,
is the kind of lifestyle I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. Is there
any "triumph over adversity" in it?
Yes there is. It's what the whole film is about.
I doubt it - it was made just to
depress people, which is not why I go to the cinema at all.
The end was very uplifting. But not because he 'got the girl' cos he left
her. And there are many funny bits. But most of all, it's a very human
film. You can believe every character.
But yes,
some American films are too "candy fluffy" - mainly family films, which
have to be.
And the rest. You get a full on 18 action film, with blood, guts, bangs,
and unpleasant things, and there still has to be a romantic ending. Duh?
What the hell are you talking about? I think you've been watching too
many
black and white films. Talking of strange behaviour, here's the words
of
an American student I talked to in the first year.
'I used to paint with my menstrual fluid back home. My friends used to
as
well... I thought it was perfectly normal until I came over here. Now
I
wonder what the hell I was doing.'
Whoa, that is a bit weird. But aren't you just concentrating on the bad
side of Americans? Anyway, each to his (or her) own. If you want to
paint with your menstral fluid (and it is cheap!),
It also smells. And changes colour. And has an uneven consistency. And is
a pretty unattractive set of colours anyway. And is pretty offputting to
anyone modelling for the painting...
who needs some boring
straight-laced English bloke (who's probably depressed after watching
Trainspotting while sober) to tell you not to just because he wouldn't
do it himself (even if he could)?
Well, she did.
Fitting in just for the sake of
fitting in sucks.
No, it's a natural human trait. We're society based animals originally,
and fitting in is important to us.
And no, I haven't been watching very many black-and-white films at all!
I was being a bit ironic over the whole stiff-upper-lip thing. Sorry,
in future I'll put one of those stupid faces in whenever I'm being
ironic. :-) Okay? I don't want us to regress, or we'll be back
fox-hunting and oppressing the poor again! (Um, wait a second there...)
Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh... It was the
love interest that ruined it, wasn't it?
No, it wasn't.
Well, it ruined it for me. You're obviously so far up America's collective
butt that you didn't even notice how against the spirit of Dr. Who that
was...
(Oops, he's going on about the Dr.Who TV movie - I
shouldn't have cut out my original parts!) I thought it was an okay
film, but not quite right (for reasons I've already gone into).
Cloaking device indeed...
Worshipped? Taken the piss out of, I think (Men behaving badly) I
can't
think of any programmes that put lads on a pedistal....
I didn't mean on TV. I mean there's loads of magazines for Lads
(Loaded, Maxi, FHM) and *none whatsoever* for "nice guys" who don't
enjoy getting drunk. Oh, wait, I'm the only bloke in the country who
They're special interest mags. For people whose special interest is
getting drunk. If you can't find any magazines that relate to you then
you're a very sad individual indeed.
doesn't get drunk, aren't I? Perhaps it's because I don't do what other
people are doing just because they're doing it (except running for the
lifeboats, perhaps, but that's different! Oh, and I bought a yo-yo
along with everyone else back in 1989...). TV Lads are great to make
fun of, though, as well as Harry Enfield's Teenager. The trouble is,
they're rather accurate, aren't they?
I hope not. I mean, I don't know anyone quite like that.
Still, if you'd rather live in America, get the **** over there.
You'll
soon be screaming for home as you hear 'Have a nice day' for the
10,000,000,000,000,000th time.
With luck, I should be spending next year at an American university.
Now I've said it, though, I'll probably have to do my final year here.
Shudder. I'd rather hear "Have a nice day!" than "Ya gahn dahn
Stumbo'?" (Translation: "Are you going to partake of a wee snifter of
ale down at the Stumble Inn, good fellow?")
Hmm. You'll see.
Puff, puff, puff, gasp.
I'd get that asthma seen to, if I were you.
No, I just smoke too much.
I deliver enough pizzas to Americans to know a thing or two about
their
apparent intelect. (And these are the rich ones who can afford houses
the
size of founders) And they are dim, to a man. Or woman. The kids are
smart, though. Must be growing up in England...
There's an awful lot of stupid English people too - it's just that
England is smaller... (or is it that we have less TV channels? No, I
have Sky at home, and I'm not, uh, thick or nuffink...) Americans may
be weird, but we have seven-year-olds in this country who can't read or
write! (Or was it seven-year-olds who can't find Britain on a map?)
And oh, then there was the time our teacher in geology told us off
because some people were still, at age 20+, saying "would of" instead of
"would have"!! (Urrrnnnn, thick!)
America is generally the place to go if you want to get a degree without
doing any work. I was talking to someone from tha caribbean He went to an
American uni, and the course consisted of getting a week's work every
month or so, and doing an exam on it after that week. They are literally
more concerned with 'football.'
Hmm, taxing. You can see why all Americans are so sharp, now...
I'm sorry. I'm not convinced by your arguments.
And again. Look, I could keep going for years. Give it up.
Oh well. I'm convinced I hate Lads, anyway. (Except as anti-heroes
like them mentioned above)
Fair enough. That's no reason why America's better than us, though.
*---------------------------------------------*
| IVE SEEN THE FU *---------------------------*
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| UCER STI DNA ER |
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Now that's funny. Pity it doesn't show up in propotional fonts,
though...
Well, if you use prop. fonts for email, you deserve all you get.
In my opinion, it ain't enough to only be cheerful when drunk (or
working at a supermarket checkout - artificial smiles like that have
been found to be incredibly stressful!). I'm just sick of "realists"
Who says I am?
who hate the Americans for being optimistic. Reality sucks! (No, that
I don't hate anyone for being optimistic. I hate people for ramming their
optimism and false superiority down my throat at every corner.
does *not* mean I support drugs - I mean, how about sorting out your
problems instead of just moaning about them and insulting Yankees!) And
I've pretty much sorted out my problems. Which is why I feel justified
slagging off the yanks.
films like ID4 are a nice means of escapism. (So these lines went out
in the '50s? I rather think that was the point of having them in the
film, but I could be wrong - certainly, it was the point in Mars
Attacks!, wasn't it?)
ID4 tried to take itself a little too seriously. It almost got away with
self parody, but not quite...
I'm not saying Americans are better than us. Just that you lot should
cut them some slack and stop being so Anglo-centric.
I'm not being anglo-centric. Just anti-yank.
Or at least be
Anglo-centric somewhere other than
IFIS... that's all I shall say on the
subject for now. (I shall expect to hear the cheer about five minutes
after this E-mail comes back to me...)
I'm sorry guys, I couldn't let him have the last word. I stand by my
beliefs in the face of criticism by all and sundry at
IFIS.
*---------------------------------------------*
| IVE SEEN THE FU *---------------------------*
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| R U |
| UCER STI DNA ER |
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O _____________
/ \ /3
o / X BAD \ / 3
< Fish X 3
. \__ TRIP / \ 3
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