Peeps
I got this on another mailing list.
Enjoy
Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek
-------------------------------------
Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future"
by HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997. Please
keep this notice with the text if you forward it by e-mail.
..........................................................
There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself
into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the
future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity,
selfishness, and sexuality of the average human being. Allow me to
describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.
Medical Technology
------------------
On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that
instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that
sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends.
They would sneak up behind you and seal your **ahem** shut
as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty
stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm
happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.
Transporter
-----------
It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then
reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co-worker
to operate the transporter. These are the same people who won't add paper
to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the
last drop.
I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter coordinates.
They'll be accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, and furniture.
People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects
protruding from parts of their bodies.
'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch
yesterday.' If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never
leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming
groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted
right into my house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If
anybody came to arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some
paintings for my walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my
place, pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's
garage.
If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I
would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break,
give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody noticed. I'd
never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they
got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My
neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only
after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life.
There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time
wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.
Holodeck
--------
For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can
create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The
characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from
work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the
door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to
convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil
massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.
Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to go
around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of
me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, but that's
exactly why I'd need a massage.
I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.
Sex with Aliens
---------------
According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with
creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a
lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard
enough to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong move
and you're suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial
for who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety. You would
never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what moves would be a
galactic-sized mistake.
Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien
-----------------------------------
Me: May I touch that?
Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a
separate corporeal being that has been
attached to my body for six hundred years.
Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me
have sex with it.
Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred
years ago.
The best part about having sex with aliens, according to
the Star Trek model, is that the alien always dies a tragic
death soon afterward. I don't have to tell you how many
problems that would solve. Realistically, the future won't
be that convenient.
Phasers
-------
I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness
without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service
at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat
in front of me at the theater, zap! On Star Trek, there are no penalties
for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to
do is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is
viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real
criminals in a world where the 'alien possession' defense is credible.
Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and
I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed
by an evil alien entity.
Officer: Well, okay. Move along.
I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to stand under my
bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a
time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might
be another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing there
looking at him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a
phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot
through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it wouldn't
disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some
sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain that the phaser was fired
by the other neighbor's dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be
invisible.
And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.
Cyborgs
-------
Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100
percent human.
I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a human, I
am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal
with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might have an
electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot
of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so
you can add whatever tools you think you'd use most.
I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at
someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd program
myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear
in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.' It would also be great to
have my computer built into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during
useless periods of life, such as when people talk to me. All I'd have to
do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I
could amuse myself in my head all day long.
I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush
of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the
look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has
something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone
wanting to be a cyborg.
The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're at
the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket
and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by saying you
have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to the service.
Shields
-------
I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time, especially
around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal
space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a
phaser to play with.
I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the
Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult
dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of
personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future. On
the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.
Shopping with Shields Up
------------------------
Me: Ring this up for me, you
unpleasant cretin.
Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!
Me: Try it. My shields are up.
Saleswoman: Damn!
Me: There's nothing you can do to
harm me.
Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like
to open a charge account? Our interest
rates are very reasonable.
Me: Nice try.
Long-Range Sensors
------------------
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for
new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could
run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself
out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office, you
would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that means
extra break time.
Vulcan Death Grip
-----------------
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such thing
as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. That
would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the Vulcan
Death Grip look like an accident.
'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.' I think the only
thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other citizens is the
bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting caught. With the
Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually undetectable. Everybody
would be killing people left and right. You wouldn't be able to have a
decent conversation at the office over the sound of dead co-workers
hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in corporate America would be,
'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger raise, but . . . erk!'
And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.
* A form for subscribing, unsubscribing, and switching
between the regular and digest versions of this list can
be found at http://www.snopes.com/info/maillist.htm *
-------------------------------------
Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future"
by HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997. Please
keep this notice with the text if you forward it by e-mail.
..........................................................
There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself
into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the
future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity,
selfishness, and sexuality of the average human being. Allow me to
describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.
Medical Technology
------------------
On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that
instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that
sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends.
They would sneak up behind you and seal your **ahem** shut
as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty
stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm
happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.
Transporter
-----------
It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then
reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co-worker
to operate the transporter. These are the same people who won't add paper
to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the
last drop.
I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter coordinates.
They'll be accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, and furniture.
People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects
protruding from parts of their bodies.
'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch
yesterday.' If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never
leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming
groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted
right into my house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If
anybody came to arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some
paintings for my walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my
place, pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's
garage.
If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I
would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break,
give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody noticed. I'd
never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they
got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My
neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only
after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life.
There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time
wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.
Holodeck
--------
For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can
create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The
characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from
work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the
door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to
convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil
massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.
Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to go
around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of
me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, but that's
exactly why I'd need a massage.
I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.
Sex with Aliens
---------------
According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with
creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a
lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard
enough to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong move
and you're suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial
for who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety. You would
never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what moves would be a
galactic-sized mistake.
Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien
-----------------------------------
Me: May I touch that?
Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a
separate corporeal being that has been
attached to my body for six hundred years.
Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me
have sex with it.
Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred
years ago.
The best part about having sex with aliens, according to
the Star Trek model, is that the alien always dies a tragic
death soon afterward. I don't have to tell you how many
problems that would solve. Realistically, the future won't
be that convenient.
Phasers
-------
I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness
without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service
at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat
in front of me at the theater, zap! On Star Trek, there are no penalties
for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to
do is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is
viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real
criminals in a world where the 'alien possession' defense is credible.
Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and
I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed
by an evil alien entity.
Officer: Well, okay. Move along.
I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to stand under my
bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a
time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might
be another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing there
looking at him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a
phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot
through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it wouldn't
disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some
sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain that the phaser was fired
by the other neighbor's dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be
invisible.
And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.
Cyborgs
-------
Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100
percent human.
I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a human, I
am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal
with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might have an
electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot
of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so
you can add whatever tools you think you'd use most.
I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at
someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd program
myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear
in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.' It would also be great to
have my computer built into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during
useless periods of life, such as when people talk to me. All I'd have to
do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I
could amuse myself in my head all day long.
I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush
of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the
look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has
something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone
wanting to be a cyborg.
The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're at
the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket
and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by saying you
have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to the service.
Shields
-------
I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time, especially
around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal
space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a
phaser to play with.
I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the
Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult
dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of
personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future. On
the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.
Shopping with Shields Up
------------------------
Me: Ring this up for me, you
unpleasant cretin.
Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!
Me: Try it. My shields are up.
Saleswoman: Damn!
Me: There's nothing you can do to
harm me.
Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like
to open a charge account? Our interest
rates are very reasonable.
Me: Nice try.
Long-Range Sensors
------------------
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for
new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could
run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself
out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office, you
would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that means
extra break time.
Vulcan Death Grip
-----------------
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such thing
as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. That
would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the Vulcan
Death Grip look like an accident.
'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.' I think the only
thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other citizens is the
bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting caught. With the
Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually undetectable. Everybody
would be killing people left and right. You wouldn't be able to have a
decent conversation at the office over the sound of dead co-workers
hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in corporate America would be,
'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger raise, but . . . erk!'
And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.
* A form for subscribing, unsubscribing, and switching
between the regular and digest versions of this list can
be found at http://www.snopes.com/info/maillist.htm *